|
MHYoshimitzu
|
read my profile
sign my guestbook
Name: Yoshi
Birthday: 5/18/1987
Gender: Male
Interests: Well, I have a few hobbies. I like computers, girls, video games, basically everything that I can't get to work right for me...
Expertise: Well, I'm good with computers, but the ladies love me, so I guess I'm an expert there too...
Industry: Entertainment
Message: message meEmail: email me
Website: visit my website
Member Since:
8/2/2003
|
|
| I had heard people still use Xanga. Me? I've done a few other things with my time, but I wanted to take a moment to freak anyone out who still uses this service to talk about their life.
They'll be all, "Hey, he hasn't updated in over two years."
And I'll be all, "Yep. And soon, I'll be so famous that these blog archives will serve as the damning evidence to my insanity, and my fifteen minutes of fame will be stolen from me, a fleeting series of untouchable still images teasing a life of tranquility, a life without the shrill screams of torment in my head."
And they'll be all, "Oh."
So a message to the future nosy dirt diggers, eager to lift a shovel to bury this man's burgeoning career:
Hi.
I'll make things easy for you. I've been writing online since early 2002. At the time of this post, I've had seven years' experience writing online on the internet, to a developing audience I have yet to understand. Diaryland, Xanga, Livejournal, MySpace, Facebook, Wordpress. In that order, and I held these blogs for about a year each. It's unfiltered stuff, and it's been a largely therapeutic process, but I wouldn't trade it (and I wouldn't stop doing it) for the world.
There are some things you say, and some things you don't say. I've said both here, and in plenty of other places online. I've cut friends out of my life here, I've exposed my personal feelings on very controversial topics (including my early impressions of homosexuals and political correctness) but what people aren't going to see--what people are going to miss--is that life is very much an evolution of attitude and thought. While I may have held these feelings in the past, I don't necessarily hold them now; while I may have shunned friends for things they did in the past, that may not be so true now (or it may still hold very true).
You can very easily chronicle my changing attitude over these seven years, but what separates me from everyone else is that I'm not willing to hide it. You can criticize me for being as upfront and confrontational as I am, but that's my personality. That is who I am. If there is a publication out there that doesn't want to associate with me because of my online history, that's perfectly okay. I don't want to hide anything. And it's only a matter of time before people link MHYoshimitzu to Jeff Craven once I really start pushing for putting my work in print.
So know this, future internet superheroes. I have a detailed past: it's been rough, raw, and revealing, but for better or for worse, I am my past and my future.
I am my online handle, and I am not afraid.
| | |
| I have a complete inability to express myself right now, in any form.
I'm sorry.
| | |
| Did life get better? I thought it did.
Apparently, everyone staying with me did not think so. I didn't think that my senses were so off that I couldn't see that everyone didn't like me. Truthfully, I thought a very good amount of them were nice people--just the sort of nice people I would be casual acquaintences with, and not necessarily see on a regular basis.
Was it a waste of money? Yes and no. Had I known it'd be a complete failure from the beginning, I probably would not have gone. To that end, I did get some neat stuff from my trip, but nothing could replace the wasted time. You live and you learn, right? It's no big deal.
So now, life's back to what it used to be like. Only what I'm returning to is an unstable beliefs system and a mindset I've never had before. I can't safely say I believe in God anymore--other people I know can continue to do so, unabated; I'm not one of those jackasses who will harp on you for your personal beliefs. That's probably not why I like you, anyway-- and only through certain circumstances have I come to this conclusion. It's pitiable, really, that the only thing keeping myself from suicide all those years ago was a belief that should I kill myself, I'd continue to live in a hell worse than the one I was currently experiencing in life.
And so, I adopted this belief and that one truth kept me moving forward. But now that this belief is gone, what other alternative is there for an agnostic? Laughably, until a few days ago, the only person keeping me from this charming dinner party conversation was my girlfriend (ex-girlfriend now, I suppose). I had this conversation with her, asking what would happen if I were to die. She naturally told me that she would be sad, and I decided for myself that, despite everything else, I would never let my life be forfeit due to my own means, if only for her sake. But since that is gone, I must consider other alternatives. Maybe there isn't one. What's keeping the agnostic from suicide? A love of life? Certainly not for me. If you know me personally, you know that I don't particularly enjoy life, or the people in it. A fear of death? Not anymore; if anything, the Christian religion taught me not to fear death, and to always be ready for it.
That belief carries on even after my departure, and thus you have a melting pot of emotions. You have a creature who is agnostic, does not love life, hates most people, but will do (most) anything for his friends or his significant other. If he dies, or has a great opportunity to die, he will most likely take it, departing this world for another (or perhaps a black void, or to return to the same world as a different creature: pick your afterlife story) in exchange for his present life. The creature cares not for what comes after his final breath, for he simply wishes to leave.
Maybe the answer is in finding another significant other. The only problem is that I don't wish to do this so soon, and for such selfish reasons. Certainly, accosting someone and saying, "Be my girlfriend, so I'm able to justify my existence and not kill myself" is a horrible way to start off a relationship. No, I'd have to genuinely like the person in the first place, and have some sort of additional attraction. Simply put, I don't want that to be the single reason for my relationship. If anyone knows how picky I am when choosing a girlfriend, it's myself. So that alternative for the moment is gone.
Ultimately, I don't see a forseeable conclusion for this problem. Someone would have to genuinely convince me that life is an event worth living and to thrive in it is a wonderful thing. Just because we have been born into this world does not mean that we have chosen it, or that we should even live in it.
| | |
| I'd like to reiterate the entry I made on Saturday, January 07, 2006. It holds much more truth now than it ever did before. It goes beyond the realm of, "Yeah, he got off to a bad start in life, but he can pull through and make it." and into the realm of, "Wow, God, how much more excrement can you shit on one person?" I really do hope he gets through this, because if he doesn't, it'll solidify in my mind what has been nothing more than subconscious thoughts making an irritating lapping motion against my brain for far too long.
No, I'm not coming back. Livejournal just isn't the place to post this, that's all. No one reads Xanga anymore, so it's not like anyone will see it. Just to get thoughts out of my head.
I maintain that life will get better for all on December 29th, 2006. When the world will cease to exist in my eyes as a troublesome place willed with inane obstacles and woe, and become a place where I'll be reunited with the other part of me missing for almost 20 years. I may not even come back. Who knows. I don't care about my life here anymore.
| | |
| ...Fuck you, caffine. It's been what, a month since I stopped drinking soda, and your addictive feeling still cling to my innards like so many tiny crabs to pubic hair.
Okay, that was a bad analogy, but still. Going cold turkey is a bitch, but it'll all be worth it in the end.
| | |
|
